If only I had her courage. My writer friends and I huddled backstage at panels in green rooms filled with chocolate-chip cookies and veggie platters, whispering about everything we couldnt say out there, in the scary beyond. A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. ANew York Timescolumnist who would eventually be publicly excommunicated. David F. Labaree is Lee L. Jacks Professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Education and a professor (by courtesy) in history. My friends and I at thealternative paper inAustin, Texas,sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. Sarah Hepolais the author of the bestselling memoir,Blackout. That shook me. At a lake. What if I had to substitute strawberries for raspberries and the customer didnt like strawberries? Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. If youve never experienced a blackout, it might be hard to understand the icy wrongness of waking up to find a blank space where three hours should be. The things you and I discuss., Nicole Chung: How to organize your writing ideas, He ran a hand through his hair. From 2015 to 2021, my private conversations were some of the best Ive ever had. Peak Atlantic. Artists were the weirdos and the scoundrels, the square pegs who never fit the round hole of society, and the result was typically a bucket of addictions, perversions, and bizarre predilections born of life on the outskirts. That was another reason for the silence. Its been a very interesting time, because weve had a conversation about consent that I have never seen before in my lifetime. I thought that my friendships were over, because alcohol had been such a point of bonding for us. See, the body acceptance movement, I think, in its most pure form, is not, You have to be this way and accept it; its that you can love your body at any size. But in my professional life, I wrote about apolitical subjects such as dating and travel, and on Instagram, I mostly posted about my cat and whatever seltzer I was currently enjoying. I simply could not gamble with my future. And so I watched from afar as the person whose memory had not recorded the incident came to control the narrative. My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. Millers victims statement evokes the confusion, the shame, the soul trespass of this harrowing moment. Conan O'Brien's recent comedy bits about Finland earned him that country's adulation; his trip there for a one-hour specialairing tonightsealed the deal. And thats why, midway through a career built on speaking out, I shut up. He came from a different generation, but I was pleased to discover that he shared many of my unconventional opinions and favorite authors, that taste and perspective werent necessarily a matter of the year you were born. Sarah Hepola 's writing has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, New Republic, Glamour, Slate, Guardian, and Salon, where she was a longtime editor. She writes of her. One of the reasons that I drank so much when I was drinking and involved with men is that I felt deeply uncomfortable with my own body. The couple next to me on my flight was headed to a wedding and staying with 81 people at an AirBNB. But such was the fierce community forged by booze that I feared exile. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. But the way I was doing business had become a prison of my own making. What was trauma, really? And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. But then, if you drink too much, alcohol lowers your judgement and your inhibitions. Sally and Don had many good years together. But in 2015 Id written a memoir that introduced some controversial ideas about women and drinking, and I badly wanted to be a part of their rogue outfit, even as I clung to the more doctrinaire one Id long considered my own. And the unsavory truth is that, as someone who has done Very Stupid Things while drinking, I also sympathized with Turner. David Labaree on Schooling, History, and Writing, Comments on the nature of the US system of schooling, big history, and the craft of writing. But my cohort and I had grown up wanting it both ways: a safe career, and an artistic one. But the social and moral and criminal consequences can be grave. Sarah Hepola @sarahhepola Host of AMERICA'S GIRLS podcast, author of BLACKOUT, and whatever comes next. ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. Too fraught, no lived experience. Three guys I met on dating apps who refused to get vaccinated: Eh, never mind. He skillfully reframed a rape culture narrative as a tragic misunderstanding fueled by the distortion of booze. All around me, people were folding. Sallys mom taught her to play the piano, and Sally accompanied many vocal groups over the years, from high school through her adult years when she accompanied the singing group The Harmonettes (renamed The New Jubilee Singers). But I thought thats what writers do.. Heres something that I think helps enrich the conversation." I have that line in the book: Activism may defy nuance, but sex demands it." They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie,. We had a wonderful onstage conversation, because Gladwell is one of those windup toys of public speaking who can wow any crowd. One of the common arguments made, at least about #MeToo scandals, is that the men (and women) behaving badly rarely face legal punishment. For me, in terms of consent, there are these very clear lines. But the way I was doing business had become a prison of my own making. My friends and I at the alternative paper in Austin, Texas, sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. But central to Millers despair is this: She could not remember what happened. The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. I surrounded myself with people who reminded me I was loved, no matter what the firing squads on Twitter said. Not gonna die in that ditch today. Was the gender wage gap a myth? Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. And what I wish I could impart to someone is: If you can just get through that difficult first month, or two months, or whatever it turns out to be, I promise you, I swear to you, it is so much better on this side. Good. BLACKOUT: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget, Things Fall Apart: Thoughts on Joan Didion, Why Im Doing a Podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. One evening, I sat on the brown-leather couch of a younger man who admired me for my writing, and maybe other things, if the salty text messages were true. In the two years since, I have tried to drum up the courage to be someone different from the writer I had become. Steven Pinker Will ChatGPT Replace Human Writers? But in a blackout, a person is anything but silent and immobile. Gender, sex, morality. All my friends drank -- why were they telling me its not OK, when their drinking was OK? Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. Terms of Use | This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. On a very petty level, it was poorly written and felt barely edited. Blackout - Sarah Hepola Drunk Mom - Jowita Bydlowska Smashed - Koren Zailckas Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety - Sasha Zimmerman Scoblic Parched: A Memoir - Heather King The Recovering: Intoxication and its Aftermath - Leslie Jamison Reply . Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. Movies and books became a refuge, along with the Top 40 radio I listened to at night in my pink-and-red bedroom to drown out arguments between my parents, who were going through a rough patch. There was a lot about blackouts I didnt know before I read your book. Sarah Hepola can be an celebrity, known for Rurni Kenshin: Ishin shishi e zero Requiem . In the two years since, I have tried to drum up the courage to be someone different from the writer I had become. Jack Goldsmith and Andrew Keane Woods: Internet speech will never go back to normal. . Beber significaba ser libre, era parte de su derecho como mujer fuerte y progresista del s. XXI. A writers life is financially precarious. Some kind of moral monster? I kept going. And I was broke, but I had no idea what to do about it. She went to St. Louis C.K. Back in 2015, I was putting out my first book, and then I was promoting that book, and then I was struggling to write a second book, and I could not risk the personal and professional blowback that might accompany stepping into the wrong lane. Millers victims statement evokes the confusion, the shame, the soul trespass of this harrowing moment. Id get killed!, His look wasnt judgmental. You say that in your own life, "alcohol often made the issue of consent very murky." She is also survived by her grandchildren: Sarah, Brady, Matt, JJ, Jennifer, Greg, Joe, Danny, and Shane, along with her great grandchildren Runa, Hans, Asher, Bear, and Autumn. Taboo subjects have always been delectable, but suddenly we were living in a time when so much that was once considered fair game for discussion (education, biological differences, the benefits of policing) had become dangerous. You mention that you were able to write off educational materials about excessive drinking -- like a student health center pamphlet, in college -- because they just didnt seem that realistic to you. She lives in Dallas. 30 Articles Style & Design |. Sarah Hepola writes a long rambling pointless essay titled The . She was baptized at home on April 19, 1933 into the Finnish National Lutheran Church and later when the Topelius Church merged with the LCMS, she was confirmed at Trinity Lutheran Church in New York Mills. Oh I cant, I said, and its hard to read Malcolm Gladwell, but his body language expressed something like: Then what are we doing here? (Blackouts can be either partial or complete.). I was stuck. How long does it take to become a therapist? Prickly issues that deserve a full airing are being treated as settled law. Blackouts might be the freakiest neurological occurrence that also happens to be casually categorized as another Friday night. Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. In Blackout, Hepola likens sobriety to a "plot twist" and shows the anguish that befell her when she was finally forced to face a version of herself, sans alcohol, head-on. So I was relieved that someone of Gladwells stature had broached the topic. But its not like theyre gonna turn around and say, Thank you! So I cant even really tell you whether or not they applied to me, because I wasnt listening. ", When she was having a blackout, Hepola explains, she could appear to be interacting with the world consciously -- but afterward, she would have no memory of what had happened. What he said was slow, and careful, and Ive never forgotten it. And by the way, feminism never did this to me, the body acceptance movement never did this to me -- this was simply what I did, probably because I didnt want to do the hard work of change. We need to understand these terms -- "blackout" and "passing out -- a little bit better, so that we can have a better conversation. What if I picked up the groceries and I got the wrong ones? Another topic you explore -- related to your own weight loss -- is body acceptance. But I thought thats what writers do.. But there was a . It was also, as Miller acknowledged and like every story ever told, incomplete. She lives in East Dallas, where she enjoys listening to the Xanadu soundtrack and puttering in her garden, when she remembers she has one. Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget."MORE FROM Sarah Hepola Right. I grew up reading Edgar Allan Poe (alcoholic, married his 13-year-old cousin), dancing to James Brown (domestic abuse, alleged rape), watching Woody Allen movies (is Woody Allen). Course Syllabus School, What Is It Good For? "Sobriety sucked the biggest donkey dong in the world," she tells us, and she backs that up. The selfie with Malcolm Gladwell I posted to Instagram did get a ton of likes, though. Blackout - Sarah Hepola 2015-06-23 *A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER* For Sarah Hepola, alcohol was "the gasoline of all adventure." She spent her evenings at cocktail parties and dark bars where she proudly stayed till last call. on Sarah Hepola The Things Im Afraid to Write About. What was I, a rape apologist? We are all unreliable narrators. N ot long ago, I visited Austin, where I spent much of my 20s, and I noticed that my female friends were all dressed the . Maybe Ill write something lousy. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling Blackout and whatever she writes next. Id get killed!, His look wasnt judgmental. In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. I stayed on a podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that I feared everyone would hate, and I braced myself to be unpopular, to take the hits, which never really came. Im dying to talk about the Brock Turner incident, I said. When men are in a blackout, they do things to the world, he told me. I listened to podcasts on which controversial figures interviewed controversial guests, engaging in those delicious conversations I held so dear. The reviews were mixed, but the hits didnt really come, maybe because by the time his book came out, during the cresting wave of Black Lives Matter, the culture had moved away from #MeToo discussions, or maybe because nobody felt like tangling with Malcolm Gladwell. Im telling you about what I saw when I was 19. The tragic result is a disturbed public forum where it often seems like no adults are in the room. I grew up in a conservative part of Dallas, in the conservative 80s. Sally is survived by her children: John (Tracy) of Bemidji, MN, Paul of Menahga, MN; Jean Gibbs (Mark) of Waconia, MN, Sue Umhoefer (Mark)of Hartland, Wl, and Dale of Bemidji, MN. My book opens with an episode in Paris where I came out of a blackout in the middle of having sex with a man I did not recognize. Im not going to die in that ditch today, I often said to a like-minded friend when we spoke about these scandals, which was daily, both of us getting in a lather because the topics were so rich. Are you kidding? Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget."Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Guardian, Elle, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Bloomberg Businessweek, and Texas Monthly, where she is a contributing writer.For many years she ran the personal essays section at Salon.She is working on a second memoir about an ambivalent . One evening, I sat on the brown-leather couch of a younger man who admired me for my writing, and maybe other things, if the salty text messages were true. Perhaps my thinking, steeped in the classic liberalism of 90s slacker culture,wasunevolved. I told these stories and everyone laughed and I felt heroic. Deeply uncomfortable. Hepola A lonely, attention-starved child, Hepola started stealing sips of her parents' beer at age seven. Admin. Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. What It's Like When Alcohol Takes Over Your Life -- And Steals Your Memories, "periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking,". All Rights Reserved. For Sarah, and many of her peers living in New York, blackouts were normal. Writers gathered around the long communal table of Twitter, and some days it felt like the last scene of Reservoir Dogseveryone turning their guns on one another. Can you actually support yourself as an Uber driver? Your size might be different than my size. And in a way, youre telling that person something. Thank you for asking me that. I know this: Im finally ready to have a conversation with the world. I applied to pick up groceries for Instacart, and each time I scrolled through the latest batch (seven items, two miles away), I was seized with the fear that Id fail at that too. I still wanted it both ways: the respect and admiration of strangers without the hard work of earning that respect. A menudo se despertaba con lagunas y un espacio en blanco en el que debera haber habido cuatro horas. My husband broke up with me, but I didn't drink! I think the first instinct when you have this situation is to cut that person out of your life. Outside on the sidewalk, he thanked me politely and sauntered off in the other direction, and I was left wondering why, indeed, we do these things. But I was swiftly counseled away by my lets-not-die-in-this-ditch partner in difficult conversations. And I was broke, but I had no idea what to do about it. Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. The reasons were simple, at least for me. I grew so deeply uncomfortable, so roiled with shame, that I began plotting new careers. A couple of years ago, I was asked to conduct an interview at the Texas Book Festival with Malcolm Gladwell. When a woman is passed out, that is a clear line that you should not cross. I listened to podcasts on which controversial figures interviewed controversial guests, engaging in those delicious conversations I held so dear. Im dying to talk about the Brock Turner incident, I said. Privacy | New York, Grand Central Publishing, 2015, 230 pp., 26.00. Possible humiliation, almost-certain ridicule, and excused overindulgence: Never one to flee from a challenge, our writer goes to her high-school reunion. (Laughs.) Sarah is survived by her husband, Russell Hepola; children, Paula (John) Hepola Anderson, Annette (John) Blume, Lynn (Delbert) Fickes & Keith Hepola; grandchildren, Joanna Anderson, Bryan (Mackenzie) Blume, Joshua (Kelsie) Blume, Maria (Cory) Grunewald, Hannah (Mikael) VahnDijk, Christopher Fickes, Angelene (John) Winges & Shane (Kristi) Fickes; Sally is survived by her children: John (Tracy), Bemidji, MN; Paul, Menahga, MN; jean Gibbs (Mark), Waconia, MN, Sue Umhoefer (Mark),Hartland, Wl, and Dale, Bemidji, MN. And so it came as an unwelcome surprise to watch the intolerance that my liberal friends once decried on the censorious right flood to our side of the street. A single womans life, also precarious. husband and son, that ultimately create the life she needs to survive. Its kind of mind-boggling to contemplatethatnotpouring a beer on a strangers head would be the bad career move. But in 2015Id written a memoirthat introduced some controversial ideas about women and drinking, and I badly wanted to be a part of their rogue outfit, even as I clung to the more doctrinaire one Id long considered my own. Sinopsis Para Sarah Hepola el alcohol era la gasolina de toda aventura. I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. When women are in a blackout, things are done to them.. Sarah grew up in Dallas, Texas, and was brought up in a household of modest chaos. Every day, I scrolled the endless river of outrage and all-caps, watching people express similar views to mine only to be pounced upon. Lets talk about it out there, he said, gesturing to the corridor that led to a packed audience, and I gave him that look, the same look Id given the younger man who asked why I didnt write about these things. The unwritten rule of elite media tribes seemed to be this: You spout the company line, or you shut up. And a lot of us are trapped in that sorry place. ), I sympathized deeply with Miller. If so, can they please tell me, so I can choose my stance accordingly? I have read one article that is like a flawless, pure distillation of everything that annoys me about waffly liberal writing. Is there anything that would have been helpful for you to hear, or that you would say to people who are in that stage right now? Also, Id fantasized about having lunch with him, and then later being able to say that Malcolm Gladwell and I were friends. She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). I wrote private messages to writers whose work captured my particular agony, but I never tweeted about those stories, which felt like the equivalent of dating an unpopular guy in secret because your friends might not approve. My parents were Yankee liberals, only one of many ways we didnt fit. Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. Oprah had him on to talk about the book, and exactly two weeks later, she sat down with Chanel Miller, whose own memoir,Know My Name,had become a sensation. I wanted people to love me without really knowing me, which isnt love. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN" in 1962. by Sarah Hepola. But there would be no lunch after the show. Im watching you and you dont look OK to me. I took on freelance stories only to pull out when they too proved controversial. He had a book coming out,Talking to Strangers, which included a well-researched chapter on alcohol and blackouts in the context of a college scandal I knew better than most, having met some of the people involved with the legal case. In the end, I did what I have done for the past 25 years whenever I hit some crisis in my career. What he said was slow, and careful, and Ive never forgotten it. I hadnt gossiped so enthusiastically since middle school. She was one of those people who rarely had a bad day. "This is a point worth underscoring, since the most common misperception about blacking out is confusing it with passing out, losing consciousness after too much booze. I wonder, too: is that a question I should really be answering? What is important to me is that I thought my life was over, and truly, this whole chapter of my life was just beginning. Our heroine finally makes peace with her hometown. Mini Biography. All around me, people were folding. Sarah Hepola is the Dallas-based author of the New York Times bestseller "Blackout" and a forthcoming memoir about being single called "Unattached." She also reported and hosted the Texas. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. Copyright 2018 - 23 Its projection. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. But the social and moral and criminal consequences can be grave. Lets get blackout has been a college rallying cry for many years. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Guardian, the Atlantic, Salon, and Elle. We see Hepola scan an AA room for a potential boyfriend, gain fifty pounds by . Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. I didnt have ears for that. Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times best-seller Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget (Grand Central Publishing). The stories that youre telling me arent funny anymore., That was something that was big for me. She also contributes personal essays to NPR's "Fresh Air." She is currently working on a memoir for The Dial Press/Random House about her ambivalent . Thats not what this is about. At my core, I was a people pleaser, and the culture had reached a moment when any opinion worthy of expression ran the risk of losing half your audience. What things cant you write about?, Gender, sex, politics. Can you actually support yourself as an Uber driver? Shes the host and creator of the Texas Monthly podcastAmericas Girls, an eight-part series on the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a series that no less thanVogue magazine said expertly complicates Americas cheerleading obsession. Sarah never knew she was a cat person until she got a cat. Show More. The next day, your brain will have no imprint of [your] activities, almost as if they didn't happen." First, its a simply stunning piece of writing, which provokes in me feelings of both awe and jealousy. In a New Podcast, Writer Sarah Hepola Expertly Complicates America's Cheerleading Obsession By Emma Specter January 27, 2022 Cheerleaders have long commanded a prominent place in the American. On the master of precise prose, falling in love, and writing as an irrelevant act. What might happen if she got a dragon? But the conversation didnt go as Id planned. But in silencing our own moral compass and strongly held beliefs, were hanging ourselves out to dry, rendering our wisdom and insight useless. A memoir of unblinking honesty and poignant, laugh-out-loud humor, Blackout is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure -- the sober life she never wanted. And they dont know the difference between blacking out and passing out. I kept going. But I think that when youre in that place, you do feel dramatic. I would thump the kitchen table. Find the obituary of Sarah Hepola (1928 - 2022) from Mesa, AZ. Ours was not a moment to explore The Other Side. There had been more grievous allegations, of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse. Were missing the chance to learn. She is the host/creator of the Texas Monthly podcast on the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, "America's Girls" and the co-conspirator of the weekly cultural podcast "Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em." by Sarah Hepola. Maybe Ill write something lousy. There had been more grievous allegations, of courserape, pedophilia, physical abuse. I grew up reading Edgar Allan Poe (alcoholic, married his 13-year-old cousin), dancing to James Brown (domestic abuse, alleged rape), watching Woody Allen movies (is Woody Allen). Fear. Jones-Pearson Funeral Home. He could take the hits. A memoir of unblinking honesty and poignant, laugh-out-loud humor, BLACKOUT is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure--the sober life she never wanted. One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? Like me, the younger man had fallen in love with art because it was the place where people told the truth. Oprah had him on to talk about the book, and exactly two weeks later, she sat down with Chanel Miller, whose own memoir, Know My Name, had become a sensation. There are some crucial details missing from Sarah Hepola's new memoir, Blackout -- but that's the whole point. She and Don raised six children there. Sarah Hepola of Menahga, Minnesota September 1, 1928 - April 24, 2022 Sally was born on September 1, 1928, to Frank and Noella Hall in Little Falls, MN. Sarah Hepola is the author of the bestselling memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, and the host/creator of America's Girls, a Texas Monthly podcast about the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. Not only has she written for us, but she's been filling up the internet for a while. Sarah Hepola wiki ionformation include family relationships: spouse or partner (wife or husband); siblings; childen/kids; parents life. Blackouts can be either partial or complete. Id think those would be the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look. That sounds really dramatic. He worked in a factory, with his hands. My college boyfriend introduced me to Joan Didion. News about the couple's then-burgeoning relationship in April 2016. Heres a link to the original. Last year marked a low point for me. But such was the fierce community forged by booze that I feared exile. We will miss her deeply. In the Dream House University of Alabama Press *A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER* For Sarah Hepola, alcohol was "the gasoline of all adventure." She spent her evenings at cocktail parties and dark bars where she proudly stayed till last call. She went to St. I lost 50 pounds, but I still have to accept that Im never going to have the body of my 5'10" actress friend. Everything is guesswork. Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. Burial service for victims of the SS Atlantic shipwreck, April 1873. A human life is morally complex, filled with ambivalence and uncertainty, and accepting the quickly assembled dogma of social-media feeds lets us bypass messier realities that we ignore at our own peril. BLACKOUT: Remembering The Things I Drank To Forget is the story of a woman stumbling into a new kind of adventure the sober life she never wanted. Perhaps Ihadinternalized my own misogyny, whatever that means. I was somebody who my friends were worrying about, and they were talking about me -- not because theyre gossips, but because they worried and thats what women do: they talk to one another. With people who reminded me I was broke, but sex demands it. often... Sex demands it. fallen in love, and Elle respect and admiration of strangers the... 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